What?

So, I haven't been thinking about this for a while. I have been preoccupied with taking care of other people's kids. It's called teaching kindergarten. It turns out teaching kindergarten is one part managing parents and one part teaching 5 year olds. I have come to the conclusion that parents of five years olds are completely insane. Of course, there are a few in the mix who, on occasion, exhibit normal behavior. But for the most part, they are insane. Here is a perfect example:
The setting: parent-teacher conferences. Let me remind you that I am a giant and am forced to sit at teeny tiny chairs and tables. When I think about what I must look at sitting at those tables,it really is ridiculous.
The characters: me, a parent and the translator
Here's what happened: I tried really hard to talk with this parent about how her child cannot recognize any letters or numbers and desperately needs some extra help at home. But she did not care. What she cared about (and proceeded to use up all of the 15 minutes allotted for the conference ranting about) was that another student has called her child stupid. Really? This is what she is using this precious time(with a translator!) to discuss? I understand that parents need to fight battles for their kids. But please, pick the battles. What I wanted to say, and didn't, was that MAYBE if she stopped fighting her child's battles, the girl might be able to stand up for herself and other kids will stop calling her names. But, I never had the chance. The time ran out.
Conclusion: If you are a parent, I am convinced that you are 90% insane. I say this even though I have dozens of friends with kids.
But, I have enough problems. I don't need to add "insane parent" to my list of ailments.

It Comes Down to Money-Doesn't it Always?

The government should give tax breaks to those who choose Not to have children. It really is much more logical. I mean, think about how much money we are saving the U.S. because we have chosen not to breed. Here are some numbers to consider:

*The U.S. government offers $1,000 for the child tax credit.

*It costs approximately $11,000 per year to raise a child in the United States.

*School districts in the United States spent an average of $9,138 per student in fiscal year 2006, according to a U.S. Census Bureau report released today.

So, if I don't have a baby, I am saving my government about $10,000 a year. Not to mention all the resources I am conserving by not adding another human to the already overpopulated planet. I am saving food for those that need it, conserving natural resources (less laundry, less gas, less water, etc.) and one less person to tap medicare, unemployment, food stamps, medicaid, etc. If I am saving the government so much money each year, shouldn't I get a cut?

A Dolphin and a Monk Walk into a Birthing Room

Because I would be the woman with the dolphin and the monk.

(move forward to minute 81)

http://prairiehome.publicradio.org/www_publicradio/tools/media_player/popup.php?name=phc/2010/05/08/phc_20100508_64&starttime=00:00:00&endtime=00:32:18


Reasons not to have a kid: 6
Reason to have a kid:1

Puppets

Every time my husband sees a newborn, he says, "That kid looks like a puppet."

Reasons not to have a kid:5
Reason to have a kid:1

Gross

Snot, wiping butts, getting peed on, having baby spit up on your clothes, dragging dog shit through the house, cleaning buttholes, rectal thermometers, measuring pee because of a bladder infection, why do babies smell like rotten milk?, ear wax, pink eye, having to clean out funk from under toe nails, pus, booger eaters, searching through vomit to find out what made the kid sick, collecting poo samples, lice, sinus infections,picking boogers off the wall, and scabs …ohhh…wait! and...scab eaters.

Reasons not to have a kid: too many to list, so I'll just call it 4
Reason to have a kid:1

Hearts

So…this is what kills me. The kindergarteners. Why are they so darn cute? Today I was in a kindergarten class that was singing along to obligatory morning playing of the Star Spangled Banner and my heart cracked. I mean, could they be any more darling? They don’t know the words and are just making things up but singing their little hearts out.
And then there are the daddies. A few weeks back I was in a pre-K classroom and this father came in to drop his daughter off. No words were exchanged between them, but they hugged and kissed and the dad watched his 3 year old start her very important day of finger paints and imaginary play. There was something in the look on his face that struck me and, again, cracked my heart just a bit. Don’t know if I can name it...not sure if I should.

Reasons not to have a kid:3
Reason to have a kid:1

*This is me and my kindergarten classmates singing our little hearts out.

Saturday Morning

Every time I entertain the idea that a baby would be a great idea, Saturday morning rolls around and my mind is changed in an instant. Saturday morning looks like this in our house (please remember that I am unemployed and my husband does not have to bring his work home):

Me (to my husband, about 10 a.m.): So, what are your plans for the weekend?
My Husband: Oh, well…..I need to go to the hardware store, I want to spend some time in the studio. That’s about it.
Me: I think I am going to hit up yoga and then go meet up with a friend. That’s about it. Want some pancakes?
My Husband: Yes!

So we slowly roll out of bed, pet the cat, make pancakes and go about our day.

No kids jumping on our bed waking us up at 6 a.m.
No shouting from the living room about whose toy is whose or what show to watch.
No “Whose turn is it to change the baby?”
No “Annika has a play date at 3 but Eric has soccer at 3. Can you call the Johnsons and see if they can take Eric to soccer?”
No “I think Annika is getting an attitude problem. What are we going to do about it?”

Oh, Saturday morning, you save me every week.


Reasons not to have a kid: 3
Reason to have a kid:0

“They make you laugh everyday.”

In a very serious conversation with a friend of mine (who does not have kids) on this Kids vs. No Kids debate, she said, very seriously, "But they make you laugh everyday.”

Well, my cat makes me laugh everyday. Do I really need a kid?


Reasons not to have a kid: 2
Reason to have a kid:0

“But You’d Be Such a Good Mom.”

I have heard this a few times- “But You’d Be Such a Good Mom.”
No.
No I wouldn’t.
Here’s why: Because sometimes I think I would be a good mom. I know it sounds illogical, but hear me out. Anyone who has the audacity to think they’d be great at the most stupid, crazy-hard job in the world (as I do) is CLEARLY too self absorbed and naïve to be an affective parent.
I watch parents make choices and think to myself a variety of things (usually negative) such as, “That was so stupid! They just taught their child that screaming in the store gets the child a stick of gum. I would never do that.” Who am I to make these judgments? And what makes me think I would do any better?

Reasons not to have a kid: 1
Reason to have a kid:0