Because I Am Already 12 Inches From Crazy Part 2

Apparently, I can’t get this idea of crazy out of my mind-eight months later. So here is round two-just for you Jessie.

It is crazy that, when given the choice to believe his/her five (or ten or 15) year old over a grown-up, a parent chooses the five (or ten or 15) year old. As a teacher, I can assure you, this happens all the time. Teachers don’t like reporting “bad” behavior to parents. It feels like tattle tailing. So it is always shocking for me when I hear parents side with their child. “If Johnny said he didn’t do it, then, he didn’t do it.” It doesn’t matter if I saw Johnny take the money out of my desk. “He didn’t do it.” Given the statistics, I am just going to guess, children lie more than adults. Why would parents believe their five (or ten or 15) year old over an adult? Because they are crazy.

It is crazy to cook two or three different meals a night. I know several families in which the adults eat one meal for dinner (usually a plate filled with vegetables, or fish or something else equally disgusting like, oh I don’t know, brown rice) and the children eat a separate meal (usually a plate filled with white, plain pasta). When did this happen? When did moms or dads let children insist a special meal be made just for them. Why do parents let themselves be jerked around like this ? Because they are crazy.

It is crazy to not see what is right in front of you. The writing on the wall, so to speak.Parents lose their rational part of the brain and the find the crazy brain. Suddenly, their child is the most, the best and the exception. For example...
“…my child is extremely gifted.”
Everybody has something special about them, but only 3-5% of the population are intellectually gifted. So, chances are, your child is bright, clever and intelligent. But not gifted.
“…my child would never do that.”
Really? I SAW HIM pull his pants down in front of the class. But again, why believe me-I’m just the adult?
Why can’t parents be honest with themselves and see their children for what they really are (good and bad)? Because they are crazy.
And because I am already 12 inches from crazy, I don't need to get any closer.

Reasons not to have a kid: 9
Reason to have a kid:1

What?

So, I haven't been thinking about this for a while. I have been preoccupied with taking care of other people's kids. It's called teaching kindergarten. It turns out teaching kindergarten is one part managing parents and one part teaching 5 year olds. I have come to the conclusion that parents of five years olds are completely insane. Of course, there are a few in the mix who, on occasion, exhibit normal behavior. But for the most part, they are insane. Here is a perfect example:
The setting: parent-teacher conferences. Let me remind you that I am a giant and am forced to sit at teeny tiny chairs and tables. When I think about what I must look at sitting at those tables,it really is ridiculous.
The characters: me, a parent and the translator
Here's what happened: I tried really hard to talk with this parent about how her child cannot recognize any letters or numbers and desperately needs some extra help at home. But she did not care. What she cared about (and proceeded to use up all of the 15 minutes allotted for the conference ranting about) was that another student has called her child stupid. Really? This is what she is using this precious time(with a translator!) to discuss? I understand that parents need to fight battles for their kids. But please, pick the battles. What I wanted to say, and didn't, was that MAYBE if she stopped fighting her child's battles, the girl might be able to stand up for herself and other kids will stop calling her names. But, I never had the chance. The time ran out.
Conclusion: If you are a parent, I am convinced that you are 90% insane. I say this even though I have dozens of friends with kids.
But, I have enough problems. I don't need to add "insane parent" to my list of ailments.

It Comes Down to Money-Doesn't it Always?

The government should give tax breaks to those who choose Not to have children. It really is much more logical. I mean, think about how much money we are saving the U.S. because we have chosen not to breed. Here are some numbers to consider:

*The U.S. government offers $1,000 for the child tax credit.

*It costs approximately $11,000 per year to raise a child in the United States.

*School districts in the United States spent an average of $9,138 per student in fiscal year 2006, according to a U.S. Census Bureau report released today.

So, if I don't have a baby, I am saving my government about $10,000 a year. Not to mention all the resources I am conserving by not adding another human to the already overpopulated planet. I am saving food for those that need it, conserving natural resources (less laundry, less gas, less water, etc.) and one less person to tap medicare, unemployment, food stamps, medicaid, etc. If I am saving the government so much money each year, shouldn't I get a cut?

A Dolphin and a Monk Walk into a Birthing Room

Because I would be the woman with the dolphin and the monk.

(move forward to minute 81)

http://prairiehome.publicradio.org/www_publicradio/tools/media_player/popup.php?name=phc/2010/05/08/phc_20100508_64&starttime=00:00:00&endtime=00:32:18


Reasons not to have a kid: 6
Reason to have a kid:1

Puppets

Every time my husband sees a newborn, he says, "That kid looks like a puppet."

Reasons not to have a kid:5
Reason to have a kid:1

Gross

Snot, wiping butts, getting peed on, having baby spit up on your clothes, dragging dog shit through the house, cleaning buttholes, rectal thermometers, measuring pee because of a bladder infection, why do babies smell like rotten milk?, ear wax, pink eye, having to clean out funk from under toe nails, pus, booger eaters, searching through vomit to find out what made the kid sick, collecting poo samples, lice, sinus infections,picking boogers off the wall, and scabs …ohhh…wait! and...scab eaters.

Reasons not to have a kid: too many to list, so I'll just call it 4
Reason to have a kid:1

Hearts

So…this is what kills me. The kindergarteners. Why are they so darn cute? Today I was in a kindergarten class that was singing along to obligatory morning playing of the Star Spangled Banner and my heart cracked. I mean, could they be any more darling? They don’t know the words and are just making things up but singing their little hearts out.
And then there are the daddies. A few weeks back I was in a pre-K classroom and this father came in to drop his daughter off. No words were exchanged between them, but they hugged and kissed and the dad watched his 3 year old start her very important day of finger paints and imaginary play. There was something in the look on his face that struck me and, again, cracked my heart just a bit. Don’t know if I can name it...not sure if I should.

Reasons not to have a kid:3
Reason to have a kid:1

*This is me and my kindergarten classmates singing our little hearts out.